Stuff your eyes with wonder

thy-name-is-woman:

Okay - Kendal.  As funny as Charlie Baker, Danny Buckler and Pete Firman were, I only really went to see Jon, so he’s all I’m going to post about.  If you have specific questions about the others, ask me and I’ll see if I can remember.

Jon was on first and did about 20 minutes, and later in the night he came on again before each of the other acts for 10/15 minutes each time.  He talked to some people near the front and generally seemed in a good mood.  He said his mum was in, so it shouldn’t get too rude.

A couple of people he spoke to had abbreviated names, and he couldn’t do that unless he was ‘J’.  Someone actually asked if he was a Jonathan, and he said no, that he felt sorry for Jonathans because he doesn’t like that name.

He spoke to a man in the front row about being a ‘geezer’ or not, and when the guy said he’d fitted a bathroom, Jon said that wasn’t something he could do.  He said he’s currently moving house, and there were ’70s uplighters in his hall which he tore off as they were horrible, but now his hallway is dark because he doesn’t know how to fit new lights.    He said that he didn’t really check the garden of the new place and later realised that there are loads of fish that he now has to keep alive.  He said he wants them to die, but not to actually kill them, so he ended up buying 10kg of fish food online.

This led to him talking about weird online purchases when he’s drunk.  He said that he recently bought (on one day) a mannequin’s head (because he had a hat and had nowhere to put it), the fish food and extra wide razor blades for his wallpaper scraper,  which Barclays let through no problem, [‘they don’t mind me cutting a model of myself out of fish food and sticking a hat on it’] but when he tried to buy two tickets to go on holiday they stopped it as a ‘suspicious transaction’.  “Who’s he got to go with, eh?”  That’s when he said he was in a relationship for the first time in 8 years, and everybody gave him a little cheer.

He said he was looking forward to living alone again because he liked getting drunk on his own (because there’s nobody to remember what you’ve done).  He said if you’re on your own, you see the bin the next day and all you remember is ‘Oh, I had pizza’, but if there’s someone else there they’ll tell you about putting your penis over the bar and saying ‘Put it all on that’.

He talked about going away to Hamburg a couple of weeks ago for a stag and eating a Big Mac ( apparently having asked for a Fillet ‘o’ Fish and being given the wrong one, and that it was delicious) and that by sneakily getting water for himself when it was his round, he went back to his hotel to watch the snooker when everybody else was hammered.

He talked about his next show that he’s writing, and that he doesn’t know what he wants it to be about.  He mentioned touring next year.  He said that as he becomes funnier in his career, he’s less funny in real-life.  He mentioned doing his Christmas shopping in Penrith, and buying a little mini-keg.  The cashier apparently said ‘I don’t think the bags are strong enough for that’ and he said ‘Let’s hope the arms are strong enough’ and just got nothing back from her.

He said in reality he wants to be seen as a better person than he is, so he does these charity shows but that’s only because everybody sees them.  When nobody’s looking, he said he isn’t like that.  He said he got given change in a pub and a pound coin accidentally fell out of his hand and into one of those charity tubs.  “You can’t say ‘Oh, have you got a key for that?’”  He was also talking about the size of his hands and wrists, saying that years ago when he bought a watch the woman told him he’d have to get links taken out because he had ‘very feminine wrists’, which has stuck in his head.

He spoke a bit about growing up, and a kid who threw stones at his head.  He kept saying he was tedious and irritating and a bit of a catchphrase became “And that’s why I got bullied.”  He also talked about someone else who used to wet themselves in class.

At the end he was talking about two kinds of comedian - ones who are nonchalant about needing audience approval and act cool, whereas he said he really needed to know whether we liked it.  He also mentioned someone whistling, and when a girl in the front row said she couldn’t, he asked her how she would call a dog that had run in the road if she didn’t know its name?  Then he called her a dog murderer.  After trying to whistle a couple of times he ended up having to turn his back on the audience to stop laughing, and got a big clap when he managed it.  “That may be the most patronising round of applause I’ve ever had.  Still one, though.”

If anything else springs to mind I’ll post it later.  I’ve just realised that I’ve remembered quite a lot of it - not a stalker, just got a bloody brilliant memory.